Communication

Have you ever tried to show someone that you like them without using words? Have you used hints or ques that you expect the other person to pick up? Maybe you remember feeling frustrated when they either seemed oblivious to your hints or when they totally misunderstood what you were intending. For those of you who trying to date and get people to notice you you may feel like this is constant tortuous battle that will somehow end when you meet your spouse. For those of you who are married you know that these behaviors can continue into marriage but they definitely don't have to if you use effective methods of communication.
Communication isn't just talking. Good communicators aren't just those who know how to talk and can talk for hours and hours. In fact most communication is non-verbal. My goal today is to describe an effective communication method that can help individuals and couples in conveying their feelings and needs as well as expressing empathy. Hopefully from this you will be able to determine what you can change to be a more effective communicator in all of your relationships.
There are five specific steps that you can apply dependent on each situation.
1. Find the truth in what the person is saying no matter what
2. Empathy: Put yourself in their shoes.
Though empathy: paraphrase their words
Feeling empathy: acknowledge how the other person is probably feeling
3. Inquiry: Ask gentle probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling
4. Using "I feel statements". Express your own ideas and feelings in a direct, tactful manner. Use "I feel" statements such as "I feel upset" instead of "you make me angry".
5. Stroking: Covey an attitude of respect, even if you feel frustrated or angry with the other person. Find something genuinely positive to say to the other even in the heat of the battle.

These communication tools can be utilized in almost any situation. I will now list several examples of using these techniques to demonstrate how you can use them.
Finding the kernel of truth in what a person is saying can be used as someone is expressing frustration with you or with a situation. Once when I person was expressing frustration to me and kind of roasting me for being imperfect I had no idea how to respond. I didn't know how to calm the person or help them see that I meant no offense. Had I known these techniques I would have told him "You're right. I am not perfect. I haven't been the best I could be and I know that I can do better. Thank you for helping me see this". This takes a lot of strength to say. It requires humility. But I am sure that if I had said this to my friend that he would have calmed down and felt more validated and understood. Our communication would have been more peaceful.
Using empathy is perhaps one of the most effective ways to communicate. People want to be understood and valued. They want to feel like they belong. Empathy can be demonstrated as we try to intently listen and understand what the other person is saying to us.
One of the most important strategies is using "I feel" statements. A lot of the time when we argue we went to use statements that put blame upon others. We say "You did this" or "you made me angry". This rarely helps because the other person feels attacked and will become defensive. But if we say that we felt upset then the person does not feel threatened and is more likely to try to understand and empathize.

Overall, these techniques when utilized can help individuals and couples have more clear and effective conversations with others. Communication can not only change the way people feel but it can change your relationships and you can be much happier when you effectively communicate.

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