Whether we like it or not we all have one. We see them every day and each one of us is part of one. They determine where we come from and they can change our future for the better or for the worst. They can come in all different shapes and sizes. They are our families. My goal with this post is to talk about some of the changes in the structure of the family in the past years and present accurate data that shows the effects it has on individuals and in communities as well as present my personal opinion on what we can and should do if we want to have a healthy family.
One particular change in the family structure that has changed in recent years is the practice of cohabitation. Cohabitation is when a couple chooses to live together without getting married. In a world with high divorce rates this makes a lot of sense to people. Why would people want to risk going through an experience that they saw their parents go through? Many people are scared of marriage because of the harm is caused them in their youth either with an abusive parent or a marriage that ended in divorce. So if you look at cohabitation in this way it makes a lot of sense. Why not try to "test the waters" to see if a marriage could really work out? Why not just adjust a little to more full commitment later when I am more sure? Why even get married, there is a lot of paperwork and it just seems silly? The thing people must understand is what the research says. In a book that I have been reading called "Successful Marriages and Families Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives" there is a great amount of research done on the statistics of family trends and other family issues. In one study sited they found that "Couples who live together before marriage have higher rates of of divorce and lower levels of marital quality (Jose, O'Leary,& Moyer, 2010)". But why is this? If couples have the ability to "test out" their relationship in a more serious way why does it still not work out? The answer to this question is shown in other data found in the same study. "They report more negative communication in their marriages." What negative communication can mean is that couples struggle to talk about things that trouble them, they struggle communicating desires, needs and confusion. They struggle validating one another and they may struggle listening. But why is it that specifically couples who cohabitate struggle with this problem? Or in other words, why is cohabitating such a big deal?
I believe that there are several roots problems behind cohabitation. One being the mindset that can develop within couples. A researcher on cohabitation stated this clearly when he said "they develop a mind-set in which they think, 'Well, if this doesn't work out, I can easily get out." What this is saying is that the fact that with cohabitation there isn't the same formal commitment as a marriage. In order for a marriage to be successful both couples must put all 100% in not 50-50. Couples must allow themselves to be vulnerable and to fully trust one another. They need to commit fully and try not to expect that when times will get hard that they can just leave. Hard times in life such as financial struggles, emotional, mental and physical have the power to bring couples together as they cleave to one another and support one another. This commitment can be found in a healthy marriage where both partners are invested for the long haul. And those relationships are harder to find in couples outside of the bond of marriage.
Let it also be known that I am not saying that there is never a good reason to leave a marriage. I am not saying that allowing yourself to be vulnerable can only be done in a marriage. I am just trying to say that a healthy marriage where both partners are committed and have an equally yoked mindset that they will remain committed holds greater benefits then cohabitating.
While the world may be changing it's ideas about the ideal marriage, it is important to remember and see that as we seek to make our own families that we remember what will be the greatest for our families and for the society. Love is critical in a marriage. Let us all take advantage of the opportunities that have been given to us and make the right decisions when we choose to start a family. Doing it in the right way and in the right time can change the trajectory of our lives forever.
One particular change in the family structure that has changed in recent years is the practice of cohabitation. Cohabitation is when a couple chooses to live together without getting married. In a world with high divorce rates this makes a lot of sense to people. Why would people want to risk going through an experience that they saw their parents go through? Many people are scared of marriage because of the harm is caused them in their youth either with an abusive parent or a marriage that ended in divorce. So if you look at cohabitation in this way it makes a lot of sense. Why not try to "test the waters" to see if a marriage could really work out? Why not just adjust a little to more full commitment later when I am more sure? Why even get married, there is a lot of paperwork and it just seems silly? The thing people must understand is what the research says. In a book that I have been reading called "Successful Marriages and Families Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives" there is a great amount of research done on the statistics of family trends and other family issues. In one study sited they found that "Couples who live together before marriage have higher rates of of divorce and lower levels of marital quality (Jose, O'Leary,& Moyer, 2010)". But why is this? If couples have the ability to "test out" their relationship in a more serious way why does it still not work out? The answer to this question is shown in other data found in the same study. "They report more negative communication in their marriages." What negative communication can mean is that couples struggle to talk about things that trouble them, they struggle communicating desires, needs and confusion. They struggle validating one another and they may struggle listening. But why is it that specifically couples who cohabitate struggle with this problem? Or in other words, why is cohabitating such a big deal?
I believe that there are several roots problems behind cohabitation. One being the mindset that can develop within couples. A researcher on cohabitation stated this clearly when he said "they develop a mind-set in which they think, 'Well, if this doesn't work out, I can easily get out." What this is saying is that the fact that with cohabitation there isn't the same formal commitment as a marriage. In order for a marriage to be successful both couples must put all 100% in not 50-50. Couples must allow themselves to be vulnerable and to fully trust one another. They need to commit fully and try not to expect that when times will get hard that they can just leave. Hard times in life such as financial struggles, emotional, mental and physical have the power to bring couples together as they cleave to one another and support one another. This commitment can be found in a healthy marriage where both partners are invested for the long haul. And those relationships are harder to find in couples outside of the bond of marriage.
Let it also be known that I am not saying that there is never a good reason to leave a marriage. I am not saying that allowing yourself to be vulnerable can only be done in a marriage. I am just trying to say that a healthy marriage where both partners are committed and have an equally yoked mindset that they will remain committed holds greater benefits then cohabitating.
While the world may be changing it's ideas about the ideal marriage, it is important to remember and see that as we seek to make our own families that we remember what will be the greatest for our families and for the society. Love is critical in a marriage. Let us all take advantage of the opportunities that have been given to us and make the right decisions when we choose to start a family. Doing it in the right way and in the right time can change the trajectory of our lives forever.
Comments
Post a Comment