Family Systems

Fear. We are all afraid at some point in our life. We can have fear because of uncertainty or because something is new. We can have fear because of past experiences and we can have fear because of the influences of others. Fear often drives people to act. But sometimes fear can lead us to do nothing or make a choice to dot do something.

Something that many people fear today is marriage. They fear the commitment, they fear what could go wrong, they fear that they will have to change their lifestyle, they fear that they won't be an adequate spouse or parent, the list goes on and on. But, one thing in particular that I want to talk about to today is the fear of conflict and misunderstanding and provide a theory that will help people better understand how to prepare for marriage.

"Pessimism about marriage and wariness of divorce among emerging adults is creating a culture of divorce preparation rather than a culture of marriage preparation" (Carroll Pg 2, Successful Marriages and Families Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives). Part of this pessimism and wariness comes from the fear of conflict. People fear that they won't agree with their spouse on important matters and that they will argue and that their marriage could lead to divorce.

 But luckily there is a means for help and overcoming this conflict. It is called the conflict theory. It states that groups in society struggle for power. Also that there will be competition between people and that conflict is built in but how we respond to such conflict determines the strength of the relationship. So, it is important to understand that conflict is ok!!!! It is normal to have conflict. If you think about it then you can better understand why conflict is built in. Two people choosing to live together and share everything who have grown up in different environments who were raised by different people and who have been taught different things throughout their life. It is literally impossible not to have conflict. And if there is no conflict then either someone fears it enough to never bring it up or your spouse is your clone.

 So the secret isn't to avoid conflict but to handle it with care and in the most effective way. Basic ways to have effective conflict is to lean how to listen. Listening is not just hearing but really wanting to understand and soak in what the other person is saying. When a spouse is expressing a concern or something that bothers them it is important that the person not speaking really listens like they want to hear what the other person is saying. This can help the person feel validated and hear when expressing their struggles. When they feel like they can express their concerns then they are more likely to continue to feel able to express what bothers them as well as feel more secure and safe. Security and validity and vital in a relationship where soo much is shared. Listening also helps the person hearing the concerns better understand what is needed to help and what he or she needs to fix in order to solve the concern.

Another helpful tip in understanding how to deal with conflict as explained in the conflict theory is to learn how to meta communicate. This is not necessarily something that will prevent the first incident of conflict but meta communication will help prevent future conflicts. Meta communication is communicating and going over together as a couple what led to the conflict or argument. For example, if a couple had a dispute about how one person didn't do the laundry and it led to hurt feelings and so on. A couple later can talk about what led them to the conflict and talk about things they did or didn't do that led to the problem. Then, next time when there is a potential conflict each person will be more aware of things they can do to solve issues with peace.

Overall, the conflict theory teaches us that conflict is normal. It is actually healthy because when resolved properly the couple can grow even closer as they express their intimate feelings, desires and wants. When both people feel understood, valued and validated they will grow in love for each other. The conflict theory teaches us to not fear but to face fear with preparation and with courage. It teaches us that we can resolve our conflicts and that marriage can be a wonderful rewarding experience because of the conflict.

Comments

  1. AnonymousMay 14, 2020 at 6:28 PM

    Thank you so much. You have changed my life. I've been so fearful to get married. This post has ultimately changed who I am, to my very core. I am a new person. I have been born again. I know now what I must do.

    ReplyDelete

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